this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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