I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
