I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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