i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
