If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
