my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize