Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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