farters have to be the big spoon...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
