All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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