Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
