remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
