I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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