I think i peed on brittanys purse
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
