i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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