i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
