Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
