I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
