You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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