i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
