I'm going to jail i love you
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
