just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
