I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wish you could order shots online.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
