Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
