Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
