Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize