I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
