if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
