i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize