so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
where does the pee come out of this thing
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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