The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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