Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He passed out mid-signature
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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