the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
