My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Randomize
