Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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