I only kidnapped one of them. chill
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
