Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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