i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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