fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize