she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
