The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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