Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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