worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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