so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
