I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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