I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
