the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
