I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
pop tarts are not kleenex
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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