Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I want to be your penis for a week.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
