Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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