I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
