Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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