i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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