Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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