So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
