but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
