I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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