I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
