Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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