I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize