I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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